When a Phone Isn’t Just a Phone | Why Withholding Digital Connection Is Emotional Abuse

This week, seventh grade schedules came out. My daughter phone lit up like fireworks. Messages flying back and forth about who got which teachers, who’s in whose class, and all the excitement and jitters that come with starting a new school year.

Except for my daughter.

She’s at her dad’s house for the week. The phone she's allowed to have there is locked and calls one number only. His. She doesn’t know her schedule, her teachers’ names, or which friends will be in her classes. She won’t know for another week and she won’t be able to join the conversations her peers are having right now.

By the time she comes back, the excitement will be over. The buzz will have faded. The inside jokes will already be made. She will be stepping into a social moment that has already passed.

This isn’t just about a phone. This is about connection. This is about belonging. And this is about control.

How Withholding Access Creates Harm

We know from decades of research on Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) that repeated experiences of exclusion, isolation, and lack of agency can shape a child’s mental health for years to come. It’s not just the “big” traumas physical abuse, neglect that leave a mark. It’s also the consistent, deliberate denial of connection to peers, the slow drip of being “on the outside looking in.”

In this case, the denial is packaged as “parental authority” but the impact is anything but neutral. It:

• Isolates the child from peer bonding moments that define social belonging at her age.

• Undermines her ability to navigate shared experiences with classmates.

• Sends the message that her voice and preferences do not matter.

Social isolation isn’t harmless it’s harmful. Studies show it’s linked to higher rates of anxiety, depression, and even impaired cognitive development in kids. And the timing matters: in early adolescence, peers become central to a child’s sense of self. Denying access right when friends are bonding doesn’t just keep them out of a chat it keeps them out of the very fabric of their social world.

Balanced phone use with parental safeguards, time limits, and trust doesn’t damage kids it strengthens them. Research shows that smart, measured access fosters better peer relationships without significant increases in anxiety or depression. The problem isn’t the device it’s how it’s managed.

When Courts Confuse Control for Parenting

I wish it wasn't this way but phones are the way we connect today. So I gave my daughter, a phone with appropriate safeguards, protections, and time limits a decision I made thoughtfully and in line with her developmental needs. Instead of honoring that as a valid parenting decision, I’m now defending myself in court against a contempt order. My “offense”? Enabling my daughter to participate in her own life.

This is what happens when systems fail to distinguish between parenting differences and patterns of control. When the letter of a custody agreement becomes a weapon, children become collateral damage.

Why This Matters Beyond My Family

If a child learns that a parent can without cause sever her connection to friends, school information, and shared moments, she learns to shrink her needs to fit someone else’s power. That is not resilience. That is survival mode. And it leaves scars.

Family courts must start recognizing that withholding a child’s access to age-appropriate communication is not just a “parenting choice” it can be a form of emotional abuse with long-term consequences.

I Object

I object to systems that enable control at the expense of a child’s mental and emotional well-being. I object to courtrooms that mistake composure for character and miss the subtle but devastating forms of harm. And I object to the black-and-white thinking that paints a phone as all bad. It can be a tool for safety in emergencies, a bridge for connection in divorce, and a way for kids to belong during critical social moments. With today’s safeguards and limits, responsible phone use is possible. The refusal to allow it isn’t protection, it’s control.